I think it's time for me to return to this site.  

One thing I have learned over the past several months is that I CANNOT rush the recovery process!  Nor can I relax my guard and allow myself to become overworked and overwhelmed.  Too much stress is the fastest way back into the eating disorder, at least for me.

I wish I could say I've been doing perfectly since I finished writing my story last summer.  I wish I could say I am fully recovered and hardly think about any of this anymore.  But it wouldn't be true.  Many days, too many for my taste, I feel like I'm fighting the same old battle.  In my journal earlier in the year, I asked myself "How do you fight an enemy that won't show its face?"  The answer is: by trial and error, and a willingness to make mistakes.

Some things have been good.  I have gained a few pounds, and although I hate it, I'm coming to terms with it.  It's hard to hear people say how healthy I look now, but a teacher who knows what I've been through explained "It's in your eyes.  I can see it behind your eyes."  And she's right.  I still slip back into periods of restricting, or binging and purging.  There are days where I am so depressed it is an accomplishment to get out of bed and wash my hair.  But the truth is, I am nowhere near as low as I once was.

Part of recovery is learning to accept slips and setbacks, and to move forward from them.  Last week, I went to the counseling center to get a referral so I can go back into therapy.  I hated it.  I wanted to crawl under the table.  I felt like I was supposed to be over this, I was supposed to be better.  I'm starting to see that it took more to realize I still need help than to try to manage it alone.  I refuse to go all the way back into the darkness.  I have a life to live.